Crawling
by Broken Tourniquet
Summary: She didn't want it to come to this but it had. She's just thankful that it was Sam who had made her do it. Even if she can't tell Sam what she needs to hear Sam wouldn't leave her for the world. Lara has to face more than herself. Nothing is ever easy is it?
1. Crawling

Have you ever looked into the mirror and just saw someone completely different? You give yourself a hard look and the person you see is SO different and SO hard to look at that it turns your stomach to even give a glance? That's what I'm doing and I can feel my insides twist and turn telling me to look away because that isn't you and I know it is. What can I do? I want who I was back. I don't want this and I look away into the bedroom thinking my escape is there. She's not...she told me this morning she was going to do something or go somewhere but I completely tuned her out. I didn't mean to but I did and she gave me this hurt look...it stung. Instead of arguing about it she gave me a sad smile and brought me back to reality. She reminded me of the appointment today and asked me to go as if I'd back out from agreeing.

I think she was just worried it'd be too much though I need it. She didn't push me even if she had give me a little shove in the right direction. She just asked me to go actually that isn't even right. She begged me to go and she never begs for anything like this. She kept telling me over and over that I needed it I needed the help and every time I turn around afraid that a small touch was someone going to kill me it's just her trying to reach me. It makes me feel like the devil in a way. I don't understand WHY she stays with me through this and continues to be my pillar because I am certainly not standing very well. Something gleamed in her eyes too and It reminded of why I love her. I love her so god damned much but I can't even say like it'd be a curse for her to hear. Like I'd have condemned her right then and there to death. THAT scared me and even as she left this morning with an awkward silence I opened my mouth to tell her but the words where stuck in my throat and then she was gone. It's not that hard to say "I love you Sam." With all the love I have for her is it? I can tell every night in the uncomfortable choking silence that she needs to hear it but won't push for it. Why Sam? If you can push me to do this why can't you ask for the words?

I abruptly move from the mirror to scared of my reflection to continue to stare at it as I think I'm in front of my bed with a set of clothes in front of me. I didn't lay them out. There's a note on them that reads "Had to wash it sorry 3 ,Love Sam" Her name was scribbled fancily. My heart ached at the last two words. Do you need to hear it or do you want to hear it Sam? I don't know anymore but I am thankful she washed the hoodie. I'd let it go for a few days and hated going out because the world seemed to be in shade's of grey and red now...except Sam. Sam is contrasted from everything else and it hurts more to think about. I've this beautiful...iridescent...person in front of me helping me and I push her away. I'm surprised she's been with me this long. I'd never have started going if she hadn't tried to help me.

I wake up every night in sweat from nightmares and the littlest sounds to my Flight or Fight kicked on only now it seems like hurt or murder. I don't like it. I HATE IT. Anything can set me off and I hate it. Sometimes I think it's better if I was just locked up just so I couldn't hurt anyone. I can't be in a crowd and I certainly hate being around people. My world spins in front of me as I pull the hoodie on over some shirt I paid no attention to. Hiding my face didn't help it just made me feel like I was hidden among everyone else. Wish I had gloves because I stare at the scars on my hand my stomach instantly drops. Everyone of these reminds me how I survived and why I did it. I murdered people and I did it for survival. I'll never hate the reason for it because my reason for surviving was Sam and the others. I had to kill to survive and I could see most of the faces like they where burned into my retina's un able to soothe away.

It tares me apart to think that I killed someone's father, son, nephew, uncle, brother, or just someone important to them. They'll never get to see that person again because of ME and what I had to do for the people I was responsible for that I cared about when over half of them died. Great job right? I did a superb job and they're dead probably hating me. I don't blame them you know. I want to make it up to them but I can't.

I pull on a leather jacket not caring how it looked. I just wanted to feel hidden and it worked a little but I felt no better than before. After I've tied my shoes I look across the table to find a new phone and remember Sam telling me she got me a brand new one so I wouldn't have to put up with any media service contacting me. It only had HER number on it. Her new one. I had that memorized by heart. I practically engraved it into my memory. I think I remember her telling me about a special something on it for me. I picked it up and it was a little heavier than mine but it wasn't a big deal as I somehow managed to find my way to a music library. It looked fancy but I gave a frown as I saw a couple that where titled "Roth" and "Thank you" I forced the lump in my throat down and opened the one titled Roth turning the volume up so I could hear it clearing.

"So Mr. Roth what would you like to tell Lara for the big day?" It was Sam...I remembered this. This was shortly before we graduated Uni.

"I'd just like to congratulate the little Croft," He said with a chuckle. "I'm proud of er." My stomach dropped. "But eh don't forget you did it too Nishimura." He told her sternly.

"I'm surprised too." She meant that. She NEVER thought she'd do it but I kept pushing her to do her best. "But hey we can atl east celebrate now!" She exclaimed in victory. "Get down and dirty you know-"

"I'm leaving." He grunted. "But Lara I am proud of you girl. I'm proud of the little heathen too."

I sat back straining to keep the lump down and my eyes clear. Goddamn it was not fair. He sounded SO proud of me. He sounded so happy to have been with me at that point. I missed him so much. So damned much. He was proud of me but he was gone and I know he'd never change a thing even if he could. I felt terrible too now because of me Alisha wouldn't get to know her father ever. I am such a monster.

Before I could think about it anymore I clicked the last file. It started with Sam cursing at someone. I wanted to chuckle at that and might have if she didn't sounded pissed at them. She cleared her throat though and sighed sounding a little more relaxed.

"Hey sweetie," She sounded a little tired to be honest. "I know I'm not there right now but I...wanted to thank you for doing this. I know you don't want to and I'm really really sorry for that. I'm not even going to try to argue my reasoning for it but I just want you to be you. I want to look in the mirror and be happy with who you are because you aren't the monster or the demon you think you are," She noticed? I didn't try to hide it so I'm not sure why I was surprised. "I'm sorry I forced you to do this. I'm sorry I- SHIT!" A loud boom could be heard over it making me jump up and grip the chair I was sitting. "Fuck...that's just ridiculous. I can't believe I-" She was upset with herself for reacting like she did. I didn't even realize she... "Whatever...Sweetie Thank you for this. It won't fix everything but- just thank you so so so much." She sounded so exhausted. "I can't thank you enough for everything. I-" Say it Sam. Please say it. I could hear the strain in her voice like I'd have when I tried to say it. "will talk to you when you come home. Take care sweetie. Love Sam."

With my grip on the chair I am surprised it didn't break. I cursed myself inwardly gritting my teeth as I let go and watched my hand turn back to it's normal color. I stared at the phone before checking the clock. Yeah I have thirty minutes to get there. It'd take me that long if I walked. No too many people. Way too many people so I just call a cab. He's there in a couple of minutes and gives a smile and nod as I get in. He could tell by my expression I guess that I didn't want to talk and stayed quiet after I gave him the address. He gave me looks every once i awhile. I guess just to see if I was okay. I wasn't but ignored him.

When I got there I tried to pay him but he just waved me off inside. I only nodded not feeling like I should fight about this and ignored everyone as I made way into the building. It wasn't busy and I was told to wait that he'd be with me in a moment. I sat in a chair and waited.

I didn't want to be here but I could not blame Sam for that or for me being here. It was bound to happen. I am glad I am here and I am glad it was Sam who has brought me to do this. I am so sorry Sam for everything I am putting you through. You have your own problems but you're taking care of me like you owe me something. You don't owe me anything. I owe you everything, I owe you the world, and I am sorry I can't give it too you. Please never give up on me. Please just don't. Wait and I'll tell you how much you've done for me, how much I cherish you, and everything you've done for me. Sam..


	2. Voice of want

Lara's home. You know how I can tell? I just heard a bottle crash as I opened the door and I get why she did it and we had a talk before but she's paranoid and unbelievably so at that too. She sets a beer bottle up against the knob in a way that if it's turned it crashes to the floor but I can also tell Lara is home by the nearly invisible head that pops through her bedroom door. Still on guard however until I enter the room fully with no one behind me holding a weapon to my head she comes out inch by inch. "Lara-"

"...Sorry.." She mutters and with a wave of visible relief washing over her she walks into the kitchen for the broom I suppose. I want to say something about her appointment but I don't. I leave it blank...for the moment. It took a bit for her to go to the damn guy I in NO WAY want to push her to tell me anything because well that did great before didn't it? "Habit." Lara tells me as I step out of the way for her to clean up the mess.

"It's fine." I give her a timid smile before looking at the coffee table. There's her new phone. "You like it?" I ask.

"What?" I point to the phone and she gives me this look...this smile and it IS genuine for the first time in I don't even know how long! It warms me it really does and she stands there smiling at me with the dustpan as she speaks. "Yeah it's lovely." She means it too and it surprises me that it's not a hollowed response.

_'She's selfish...Sam...'_ A voice tells me in the back of my head and it's irritating.

"Thank you Sam...for the message. I appreciate it a lot." Her eyes give me this little I guess it's a sparkle if you can call it that and it gives me this rush of an image of old Lara. For a split second she is who she was before and I.. _'Look again'_ the voice rings and the image is replaced with an image of Lara in her hoodie bloodied and- The voice! MY voice! If it is that tells me four words.

FOUR FUCKING WORDS AND I CAN FEEL MY THROAT TIGHTEN. I can feel a sting of tears coming. "I-uh am going to b-bed." Before Lara can stop me I'm already in my room and have the door slammed as I hear my name called.

This isn't how I should be dealing and I know it's not but it's my way of doing even as shitty as it is. I turn my radio on pop in a mixed CD set it to shuffle and turn it up just loud enough to drown out the shitty piping, Lara's knocks, my sniffles, and the outside world as my coat goes flying across my bed hitting the floor on the other side.

My jaw tightens and I fall back onto my bed and bury my eyes in my palms trying not to let a thing out and you know this is ironic to me. I've seen Lara like this- but I'd never have thought I'd be like this. I mean come on! This is like some shit you see in those depressing movies were they get a happy ending because the writers couldn't think of a better way or a more...better way for it to end!

Like I mean come on! If someone is that messed up and broken throughout the entire thing and not once shown a sign of getting better through the entire fucking thing I doubt they'd be 'cured' by the end because they heard 'ohmygod I love you so much! Get better now!' it just isn't possible you know?

No. Now you see what i just did? Yeah. Some fucking cope mechanism that is. Bullshit right? Like I don't even have a reason to feel like this and yet I AM. I can't even get passed something that wasn't my fault! 'Maybe it is' I swear to god...'maybe it is and you deserve this guilt. This emptiness.'

Emptiness? I think I- I'm not empty! I-i'm fine! I can feel normally...i'm just out of whack. I am just whining about things I don't have a right to complain about it's no wonder Lara pushes me away because If I did it before and the state she's in I would too.

_'She's a killer.'_ Now wait a minute that isn't fair. '_She's a murder.'_ No she- _'She's thirsty for death to herself.'_ Wait- _'And it's all your fault.'_ WAIT A SECOND!

_'So why are you trying to help her? Why do YOU such a selfish person care?'_ every word stings like a knife pressed to your neck ready to slice it open.

Why DO I care? That's obvious isn't it? Because she deserves better, She needs better. _'Why?'_ Because she shouldn't be this broken. _'Why?'_ Because she's ruining herself and I can't stand to see that. _'Why?'_ Because she's... _'Why?'_ Because... _'Why?'_ Because.. _'Samantha WHY?'_ Because I need her!

Oh shit...I said that out loud. I hastily clamp a hand over my mouth. This goddamned voice makes me want to rip my hair out.

_'Why do you need her?'_ Because I wouldn't be here without her._ 'True. Try again.'_ She's my best friend...and family._ 'Again.'_ Fuck you. '_I am you so try again.'_ Because she- I..._'Good.'_

Why...? _'You realized it once before surely you can do it again. You must want what you cannot have.'_ Fuck off..._'But if you must tell her-'_

I can't tell her. I'm not THAT Selfish and I HAVE TO be strong for her. I know she's strong but sometimes she's needs a push...I have to be strong enough to- Wait Lara Knocked?!

I'm already at my door and looking out the hallway but she's not there...I can't believe I JUST noticed...Jesus I'm such a fucking idiot.


	3. Fractured

NOTE: Thank you to the few who have reviewed I appreciate it! :) It has taken me long enough right?

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I bob my head to the beat just a little and slump in my chair. I'm sure that what I'm doing isn't helping but when all I can hear is a constant loud wave of water like I was drowning in it or the gurgling of someone choking on their blood by my hands...anything is better than curling up with my hands cupped around my ears begging the world to just stop but never actually saying a word and I KNOW she is going to be furious but it drives me insane. She music isn't exactly soft, but it's not hard either so it's perfect to just listen too and sit here bloody...I forgot about her quirks in music. You'd think it'd be just dance or pop, right? She'll listen to anything if it's good even if it's out of her preferred genre which changes a bit. She has playlists titled for every kind of emotion or situation which is quirky I guess, but it's always funny that she know's what song to play at the right moment.

All I had to do was click on a playlist and it was oddly soothing to be honest. I'm going to have to ask her to copy some of this stuff for me if she doesn't kill me you know? Thinking about that makes me sigh and slump a little in my chair because I hate seeing her mad so why did I do this? Because the screams and the heat from the fire I felt those months ago won't go away, of course! Do you know what's complete bullshit people tell you? 'It's not your fault. You had no choice.' this has been shit for me lately simply because people just tell me this to get a smile and can't stand me killing myself from the inside because I HAD to kill and now I have to deal with people who only care for coverage or to meet a survivor when I can't handle myself or how angry not only I am but how angry the world is at me for not coming out completely fine.

I lift the bottle to my lips and take a gug. I am not a drinker, but the flashes and surreal hands dragging me in my dream trying to choke me seemed to both calm down and get worse as soon as I started drinking. I don't even know what I'm drinking, but it's helping thought it tastes like piss. It's not whisky I know that, but it is strong and there wasn't much of the bottle anyways. The hands and faces of the people i've- my victims...be standing at the edge waiting and that is far scarier than before so I take another swig and sigh sadly because as soon as I fall asleep I know it'll happen.

I'm haunted by the Island that tried to kill me...and by surviving I came out worse than a survivor, I feel like a murder and a damn dangerous one at that. Heh so much so I don't want to touch anyone and anyone who touches me without warning is put in danger themselves. The other day I was out because things were too tense here and some poor bloke touched my shoulder scaring me and what did I do? I hurt him...an innocent man and I hurt him. I broke his wrist and I'm sure there's a near permanent mark on his neck where I put my hand ready to pop his head for trying anything yet I realized I was in the bloody park and I just- I can't keep doing this! Every turn or move I could hurt someone who doesn't deserve! All I am is a famous man's daughter who became a murderer and should probably be locked up with no way out.

I take another drink, but this time something drops on my face. It's blood from my fist. I forgot about my breakdown as my mind was consumed about everything else. I was in the bathroom...I'm not even me anymore, I can't recognise my own face perhaps the person in the mirror is who I really am? But they feel like a stranger...I was tired of trying to look at her me in the mirror and stomach all the things she's done, all the blood she's collected in her palms, and I just couldn't stand it anymore. When I realized what happened the mirror was smashed and my fist was bleeding and all I could think is "all the blood I have on my hands should be mine and not anyone else's." and my face was wet with my own tears.

I have become so numbed to the world that I could feel the pain coming from my bloody knuckles, but I didn't care and I didn't care that I was crying. I just didn't care because I don't feel human anymore, I feel like a monster who deserves to be left to rot in her own problems, fears, sins, and blood but I know I deserve a little help. I know this is not me but it feels like me and I can't help but feel so lost and scared at that that the fact I am even sitting here in this chair breathing is a miracle that just shouldn't be. I know so many conflicting things and I feel so many things yet at the same time I feel so void and empty should be a clue as to how fucked up I am then again I'm not even sure how fucked up that is. I'm just not okay I know that and when the click of the door lock sounds my heart drops and I put my hand over my face forgetting about it being bloody and sure enough I get a bit on me.

"Lara?" Comes that familiar voice. I am tempted not to answer so hopefully she'll think I am gone maybe not see me in this chair with a bottle of alcohol in my lap. I force myself to grunt in acknowledgement at her though. "Hey sweetie." Her voice sounds a little fragile but soft as always and I can hear her drop something on the floor and toss her jacket to the side as she steps closer. "What are you doing over there?"

"I don't know." I sound as exhausted as ever and she notices that because I can hear her in front of me and gasp, but I can't look at her. I'm afraid I'll see disappointment stamped on her face and I just can't deal with that that as I calculated her footsteps stop at the bathroom but she goes dead silent. "I don't know anymore." More walking...but she's still silent I can already feel my eyes well up knowing she must not like me much right now. "Sam?" I manage to ask. I can feel the bottle in my lap be lifted off and hear it set on the coffee table.

To my surprise she takes my bleeding hand gently, carefully moves it as well as my arm I draped over my forehead and the expression on her face isn't what I thought it'd be oh no it isn't. It isn't even pity it's just sadness pure sadness and she looks hurt at my puffy eyes and red nose I'm sure of. "Oh sweetie..." She says in a low voice and runs her thumb over my hand but careful not to touch where I cut it and it makes me want to cry more but only because she's the ONLY family I have now and the fact I am a danger to her hurts. "Come on..." She tells me and takes my other hand as she waits for me to stand. "Careful." She tells me gently as I stand up but nearly fall over but she helps me get my balance and puts a hand on my hip until I have it.

She leads me to her room, did she know I hated mine? I don't know but for whatever reason she sat me down and told me not to move and disappears. I'm not going to move after all I don't even have enough strength to do it as is it's like all my energy has been just wiped out of me completely and I wouldn't have even if I wanted too. I hear her moving around things and water running, but I don't inquire what it is nor do I wonder what she's doing I just let her do what she wants. Her room though is oddly soothing and more comfortable than mine lately. I hate it and I don't know why...

"Okay, sweetie back." She gives me a quick smile and places a bowl of water on the web and sits down. I hold the bowl so it doesn't spill and she thanks me but places it inbetween her legs and takes my wounded hand and dips a rag into the water. "Sorry.." She mutters in advance for the wet cold rag touching my hand, but I don't care that it hurts and I don't flinch. She looks to me for confirmation I'm okay and continues when she see's me watching her hand. "I'll clean the mirror up tomorrow." Her hand is smooth across my hand just dabs at the irritated open areas and stroking blood away with the rag. She's had experience doing this and I'm a cause for that. "I-" I look up at her, but she takes a look at me and just shrugs it off which is unlike her. I can't speak at least not right now. I don't have the energy. "There all done now I have to bandage it okay?" I nod, she turns my hand over and bandages it. The cloth overlaps each layer until she's satisfied and I stopped for a second and thought about it. It's a lot like Sam... She adds layers of distraction to herself.

I start to get up, but she stops me. "Stay. Sleep. I have to finish a project anyways." She gives me a warm smile and I would protest but exhaustion gets to me and I decide perhaps it isn't a bad idea. She stands up and heads to my room which I can tell is my room because the crooked door gives her problem and she jiggles the handle a little and when she comes back she hands me a pullover hoodie. "I didn't get a chance to do laundry today and your shirt has blood on it." She explains. I didn't need a reason. I am out of it and I'd have put it on anyways. I'm not exactly in my best condition so I sloppily toss my shirt to the side and pull it on as she takes care of the bowl and rag. I pull the hood over my face and rest my cheek against her mattress and splay my legs out as I drape my arms over my face.

I can hear her sigh as she as she rubs my back before her weight on the bed disappears and I hear her sit in her chair in front of a computer. _'I don't care, I don't care, I do not care.'_ I tell myself in hopes nothing will disturb my dreams nor drag me under the sea and drown me like the previous night. I fell asleep as I heard the music turn off and clothes rustle around.

When I did dream it wasn't like before. I was floating beneath the surface of the water and below in the depths I could see hands reach out to me and voices tell me I didn't deserve to live but I could feel myself mouth back to them that I only did what I had to survive and if I didn't then...Sam and the others would be dead. They kept shouting. I couldn't talk and I couldn't move. I was just a floating body with a soul attached in this water that was slowly turning red. Is this how it's going to be? Me drifting inbetween the grey, red, and blue?


	4. Fractured Part 2

AN: Alrighty. This one is a bit more...calm I guess? I'm not sure you could call it that but enjoy! And thank you to those that are liking this an supporting it! 

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I'm pretty sure I could have waited to do this until tomorrow and I'm not sure what compelled me to do it right now but as I walk into store I get this gut feeling I am going to regret it still I'm already here so why not just get what I came for and get it over with? The store is small, but the closest to our apartment and I shouldn't be gone for long in case Lara wakes up.

It's scary how easily I've become to wake up and I guess I have had to be for a similar reason Lara is. We're scared shitless and she may not admit it but I sure as hell will, because I wake up every night to the slightest squeak and grab the nearest object. Thankfully half the time it's just Lara being paranoid, other nights...it's Lara waking up from a nightmare and it's gotten worse. The other night she woke up and was delusional I don't know what it was but her dream was so bad when I found her she was in the kitchen whispering "Solari..." and she looked like she was sleep walking so I wasn't sure if I should wake her up or not until she reached for a knife I had to shake her a little till she opened her eyes and asked me what was happening. I led her to bed and stayed until she slept but kept my door open when I went to bed.

Tonight though...she broke the mirror. Why the hell would she do that? I mean I guess I can see why because even my image of me is distorted, but her fist didn't looks so great...I know I am going to have to convince her to see a doctor about it and she won't like it but I'm not a doctor and It'd probably just be a lot safer if she saw a professional instead of her best friend who googled a few things.

Before I know it I have of pain killers in my hand, a box of bandages, and I stop in front their small collection of candy because you know I haven't had something sweet in awhile. I should probably get Lara something too while I'm at it because she might like it and if not? It's only a few bucks I spent. No biggie. I pick a couple of chocolate bars and get a couple of cokes.

I stop though before heading to one of the four registers. I...I thought I saw someone out of the corner of my eye but push it to the side as if it's nothing because it can't be, anything...right? I don't know I have been really paranoid lately and I'm not sure why. That was a lie I do know why but the island is behind us like six fucking months behind us.

When I reach the register the woman is nice and asks the usual "hi how are you?" stuff and before long I am ready to go. She bids me farewell and I smile. When I'm in my car I take a second to think and put my bag and purse in the passenger seat before clutching the steering wheel and sigh deeply. 'Get your head together Sam. Got to be strong remember?' I tell myself. The truth is: I'm not sure how much stronger I can be especially if I keep getting forced into the corners I'm forced into. As it is I want to tell everyone to fuck off even though dad wouldn't enjoy that, but I really don't care.

I've taken care of as much 'in person' media events as I can so Lara doesn't have to and I've done all of the things that father has asked me to but it's just piling up on me. I KNOW I am going to be asked to do all those things again and I can see why Lara prefers home right now instead of being out there because people will recognize us immediately and try to get an interview or get a picture etc. But it's whatever to them I guess. I make my quick return home.

When I walk inside my bedroom light is on and I freeze waiting for someone to run out at me...but it's just Lara and I sigh in relief to myself. I might have had a mini heart attack.

"Hey sweetie," I tell her as I slip out of my shoes and jacket throwing my purse aside. She rubs an eye and still has bags under her eyes but grunts at me. I stop when I'm a few feet in front of her. "Couldn't sleep?" I ask softly.

"I did, but you weren't there," She sighed tiredly at me still looking pretty exhausted. "It didn't feel okay with you not in your room." She admitted. Kind of funny to hear that to be honest. She always hated being in my room when I wasn't there. I guess because it's my room its more natural for me to be in there? "Where'd you go?"

"I just went to the store to pick up a few things." I smiled lifting the plastic bag up in front of her.

"Sam," She told me firmly. "I don't think we have much more room for fifty plus shoes." I wrinkled my nose and hit her playfully. She actually joked! She hasn't joked in months! I couldn't help but laugh at her and she just stood there watching me with tired eyes.

"How's your hand?" I asked motioned to the bandaged hand.

"It hurts a little.." I nodded.

"I got something for that. It may not help much, but it's something." She nodded and turned around heading back to my room. She was slow, but I was patient especially with the glass I picked up before I left, I'm not sure I picked it all up. I was glad she was too tired to care otherwise she might not have joked and I really needed that joke to be honest. I needed the laugh.

When we were back in my room I sat her down on my bed again and tried to open the bottle of medicine. Unfortunately, I couldn't so Lara took it from me and did it handing the bottle back to me. I gave her a couple and handed her a coke which she downed with no problem I guess that bottle of alcohol she had wasn't enough. It wasn't much to begin with anyways and it's not the best.

"Alright sweetie go back to sleep-"

"I can't." She interrupted. When I asked why not she just shrugged and gave me a sad look. That look always killed me to be honest. I hated it then and I hate it now...Still I got what she meant. She didn't want to sleep because she didn't want a bad dream or one of the ones that knocks you awake sweating and panting as hard as ever regardless of the temperature. I pointed to the dream catcher behind her above my bed on the wall and smiled when she looked and rolled her eyes at me. "Very clever." She muttered probably thinking I couldn't hear her.

"Okay," I told her and stood up from my chair throwing her a candy bar. "Lay down." She gave me a look that said "no no no" but I simply told her "I didn't say I was making you go to sleep." She gave me a look. "Just lay down I am going to entertain you until you fall asleep." She sighed and laid down. I rolled in next to her and gave her an ear bud. "Cats or dogs?" I asked. I guess she didn't understand what I meant because she asked me what I was talking about. "Shit ton of Disney movies it is." I sighed.

Thank god for Netflix. She ended up falling asleep about half the way through our third movie that I wasn't paying attention to with one of her hands on my shoulder and her mouth pressed against that hand. She slept soundlessly and I was thankful she did because she'd been up for a few nights straight now. I could probably stand to sleep a little more, but she definitely needs it more right now. I have to say I don't understand why, but she's pretty damn gorgeous doing anything especially sleeping next to me with either a messy ponytail or her hair down she's just gorgeous.

I pulled the earbud out of her ear and put my phone under my pillow because I couldn't quite get up and put it on my nightstand. I pushed a few bangs out of her eyes to behind her ear and kissed her forehead. She stirred for a little bit but went back to sleep in practically no time. By the time, I fell asleep I was sure it was a couple hours later, but I didn't mind it. I was actually content at that moment. Call me anti-climatic because of earlier with the mirror and things but I didn't need much more than I had at that moment. I had my best friend, some clarity, time to think, and I fell asleep like that. I slept pretty good too except of her.

Of course, I dreamt of her! When everything is perfect why wouldn't I?! Himiko just loves to ruin your dreams and thoughts. I hadn't heard that annoying at all for the past week until my dream went from good to bad very bad.

I was locked in a room and at first I didn't know where I was or what the fuck was going on until I heard that annoying headache raising voice I had since we got back. I thought it was just my consciousness you know? No. When I saw the queen standing there and her lips moving I realized who it was. It wasn't just some voice I made up...it was hers. Why would I create her voice though? Is this some kind of after effect of what they did to me? Or did a piece of her soul attach to me?

When I could feel her hands around my neck and my body turn cold at her touch slowly as I gasped for air and her skin went from black and blue to colors I realized that she was slowly sucking me dry. THIS was my dear. I feared she was still taking me over and I was going to loose myself. Even worse than that? Lara did come to save me, but Himiko stuck her with lightning. I was afraid I was going to kill Lara by letting Himiko win...well I never was fearless to begin with.

Lara and I, we're fractured. Somehow though she's kept me together.


	5. Nightmare

_AN: HEY GUYS! I am very very sorry _for_ not getting this out sooner. Life happened and for awhile I couldn't because my laptop broke down (got a new one now tho) and then I just became depressed. Anyways enjoy!_

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Click. Click. Click. Her breathing is heavy at the sound and it's rapid. She can't stop it. She can't fight it. It's empty. It's all empty. God! Why now? Why did the gun have to be empty?! She hadn't paid attention to how many were in the clip.

Frantically she pops it out and fumbles with another clip. They're closer now. They're always close. They never leave do they? No, they don't. She knows that and she knows it's futile to fight but she can't do anything else. By accident, he drops it.

"Fuck!" She shouts loudly.

The screams are louder now. She bends over to get the clip but then it happens.. the water seeps through the ground and he stand back up. This always happens. The water comes and she goes. The clip is gone, no longer there when she reaches back down and she knows she's fucked. The creatures of pure black scream louder, she doesn't know what they are and doesn't need to know. She doesn't want to! They're far away, but it doesn't stop her from raising the gun and aiming, pulling the triggering uselessly only to throw the gun aside with a defiant yell.

She looks around for something to stand up on but of course there is nothing. There never was so why would there be now? The dark murky water only climbs higher reaching waist high as she wades in it trying hopelessly, begging for there to be someway out of this nightmare. There is no higher elvation. Then it starts. The burning.. at first it's nothing but as the water finds it's way past the fabrics and to her skin it burns, like fire. She grits her teeth refusing to cry out like she always does. She WON'T give it the satisfaction.

The burning is stronger and more painful than any other time. It's pain is tripled when she tried to move so she whimpers and finally let's it out- crying mercilessly for it to stop. Why her? Why the burning? The water climbs higher and higher all the while the burning continues but she feels a new sensation. Hand grip her legs and she doesn't move until she can feel the hands tighten and the shocking - much like lightning - begin.

She screams again hearing her name be called out faintly but then the water fills her mouth and-

"SAM!" Her eyes shoot open at the sound of the voice and she struggles not recognising it for a moment, just scared there was a weight on her and her wrists trapped against the bed like- "Sam! Sam! It's me!" She blinks and relaxes at the sight of the face sighing. Lara. Thank god.

Lara let's go of her wrists and Sam rubs her eyes. Lara was careful about how she held Sam down. She hadn't wanted to hurt Sam as Sam did a good job of that herself as she thrashed but atleast she had managed to stop her before it got worse. She wasn't sure sitting on your best friend holding them down as they thrashed away qualified as good but surely stopping her from hurting herself did. She Managed to take a deep breath and look at Sam who rose an eyebrow at her. Right. She was shirtless in sweats.

"Uh..?"

"I- was in the middle of changing when you started calling for me." She admitted embarrassed at the scars the adorned her body. Sam only shrugged and pulled at the fabric on the side of Lara's bras. "Stop that." Lara warned.

"Atleast you had that on or this would have been awkward." More than it already is, she thought to herself.

It was conventional but she wasted no time in coming to Sam's aid like she had done before. It wasn't much of a big deal but Sam just wanted to change the obvious subject and Lara respected it, but this had been the third time this week the nightmares got this bad. The first time Sam was asleep at the table and had moved so much that the cup shattering against the floor jolted her awake, the second was a night much like this except Lara had been able to wake her up and comfort her. The second time she stayed the night in the room and it seemed to ease Sam but this was far different and far worse.

Lara rolled off of Sam and sat on the bedside her letting Sam sit up and take a proper breath. It didn't help but atleast she could breath now without the extra weight on her stomach.

"Sam," Lara started softly, "I think it's time." Sam gave her a shocked look. "I think-"

"No." She stated hanging her head low. "No.. I don't need it."

Yes you do Sam, she thought sadfully. She didn't want Sam to go through this or have to need this but those were the circumstances. This was unfair but it was how it was and it broke Lara's heart to see the state of it all. She couldn't force Sam, not now not ever, but Sam needed help as much as she did maybe more whether either would admit it or not they couldn't do it alone. She understood why Sam didn't want it because it was similar to why she didn't want it but that couldn't be helped.

"Sam-"

"No Lara." She snapped almost hatefully. Lara winced and retreated the hand she outstretched. Sam felt instantly bad. "I-I'm-" The words froze in her throat. She was just scared to do this. She could hardly trust herself anymore how was she going to trust a complete stranger with all her darkest secrets? Was that even possible? Maybe. Who knows.

"Oh Sam," Lara frowned and put a hand to her cheek rubbing it gently. Sam leaned into the hand and held it close. "Just once. If it doesn't work out then no more."

"I-"

"For me? Please?"

"Alright," Sam wavered. "Alright," She kissed Lara's palm and took the hand in hers giving Lara a defeated look. "Fine." Lara smiled softly but sadly and moved closer to wrap an arm around her.

She didn't have it in her to fight at this hour. It was five in the morning and she was exhausted. How much more could she take? She was already broken. The reassuring squeeze from Lara didn't help much but the gentle kiss against her head did slightly. It was warm and inviting letting her know she was here much like Sam was had been there for her first starting her sessions. It was still hard to watch Lara disappear into the room but she'd always welcome her back warmly after. Sam knew she'd get nothing differently from Lara.

Lara wasn't sure of how to comfort her and perhaps her presence wasn't enough but she just wanted to let Sam know. She was there. If she hadn't gone anywhere this long she certainly wouldn't go anywhere ever. Sam was someone she couldn't afford to loose. She'd fight till her last breath for the woman beneath her arm right now and she was sure Sam knew it but it was still hard. It was hard to not be able to do anything about it at the moment.

"Lara?" Lara looked at her. "Don't go anywhere tonight please." Lara only nodded and placed her chin ontop of Sam's head. She wouldn't go anywhere unless need be.

After a few minutes Sam managed to fall asleep against her. She looked more at ease and peaceful certainly than before but Lara still wondered if she was dreaming about something pleasant or not. Sometimes she wondered what went on in her head and sometimes it worried her to think about the possibilities, right now however she felt the need to move as her arm started to fall asleep against Sam.

With a small sigh she gently laid Sam down only stopping to convince her that she should sleep underneath the sheets before tucking her in. Lara herself was tired so when she tucked herself against Sam wrapping an around her waist to which Sam leaned into her she sighed contently and hid her face in Sam's hair shortly falling asleep after. Sam just needed an anchor to remind her humanity wasn't far away and the good was right there though Lara never saw it like that. Lara never questioned it. Lara just did whatever helped as long as it helped and never stopped to think about it.

They were a work in progress and all things considered it felt like they were crawling back to where they were to start again freshly. Whatever the case Lara had only hoped they'd last together having each others backs. Everything was uncertain except the woman beside her was her only family left. She loved her. She'd keep her safe. She hoped.


	6. Problems

A little drunk? Maybe. How else was she going to drown out that feeling of patheticness or the thoughts swimming at the back of her mind constantly trying to claw their way to the front but ever so slowly? THAT topped with her father crawling down her throat about this project or not having the time to have dinner with him or her mother constantly made it worse. Why couldn't he just lay off the shit? It was almost like since she told him she was taking therapy sessions as well to maybe help (not that she thought she could be helped) he almost begged for normality through actions. It had driven Sam insane and she had tried to call him out on it asking him to be a little patient like her mother had been but he could only shake his head and say he wasn't doing that, that she was just thinking it about and she had almost believed that. So maybe being a little a drunk after having a yelling contest with your father over the phone wasn't a bad thing.

Lara understood as she watched Sam scroll through her messages on her phone with a bottle of whiskey nearby on the coffee table. She was still worried. Very worried. How could she not? Sam was a mess right now and part of her wanted to talk to her but the other part of her said not to that she needed some alone time, that it'd be rude to budge into family affairs. She's always hated doing that.

Lara set her bag and coat down before stepping forward, taking a breath she cleared her throat. What worried her the most was how long Sam had been alone for. Ever since that nightmare last month she's had more and hated to be alone just as Lara hated leaving her alone. They both were busy at times but by the end of the day they'd find themselves together in the living room or sleeping in a room together (Lara all but lived in Sam's room by now) just as it felt right. Tonight however Lara had been held up by several people and a traffic Jam and hadn't arrived home till 10:00 P.M. Lara sighed when Sam didn't answer and she found herself clearing her throat louder. Sam turned around and smiled.

"Hey sweetie," She said tiredly, eyes red, "Glad you're home I was gettin' worried about yoou!" She might have tried to stand up and walk, but Lara was glad she hadn't. She looked a bit tipsy.

"I'm sorry. I tried to come home as soon as possible," Lara leaned against the back of the couch by her forearms near sam, "as soon as I got your text." Sam's face instantly fell and she just shrugged. Sam leaned her head back, turning it to look at Lara.

"Don't worry I- overreacted," Lara pushed random strands of hair out of her eyes, Sam leaned into her touch slightly, "was nothing."

"Sam," Lara began, "texting me in the middle of the market, telling me your dad just called you to yell at you for being 'really not right' while trying to open a bottle of alcohol - which you rarely do because of family arguments - is not nothing." Sam turned her head back to the ceiling. Lara had expected that that was not the full story but rather a rushed version, considering it concerning nonetheless. "Sam," Sam looked at her again. "It is not nothing. He upset you, yeah?" Sam took a minute before nodding. "Then you have a right to feel the way you do, he can't take that away though I wish you'd found comfort in something else than the whiskey."

Sam rolled her eyes. "It's just a bit of alcohol darling." With that, Sam leaned forward taking the bottle from the table.

Sam knew if she wasn't careful it could be a destructive addiction to pick up, she had seen that first hand with her uncle so she's always been careful. It was just- her father wanted her to be the same as before and she wasn't. She COULDN'T be, but he wasn't understanding that so it was causing more problems she could handle today. She wanted to be that same Sam, that Sam that could the good in everything and grab her camera ready to shoot it all! But the truth was she just didn't want to handle the world or most people in it and her camera- she hadn't touched in a few weeks. The only person who understood was Lara and even then she'd still give her a longing look but of what origin? She didn't know. She just assumed it was to be the same old Sam like everyone else. The alcohol was just to dull everything. Maybe it worked. She couldn't tell.

"That it may be," Lara grabbed the bottle from Sam placing her in between her arms and took it from her idle hands, "but It'd have been better to find something else."

Sam gave a frustrated sigh. Not only was Lara too close but Sam found something about that accusing and irritating.

"Well, IF I had thought about it maybe I would have, or if you were home." Sam crossed her arms but hadn't noticed Lara wince at that.

"I'm sorry Sam. I really am." Lara looked down. Maybe she should have left early like planned then she wouldn't have been home late and Sam-

"Oh sweetie, I'm sorry I just- I'm just tired of everything I didn't mean to take it out on you.." She had felt bad too. She was angry and very frustrated, but Lara felt like her only support like she'd always been. She hated this. Snapping.

"No, it's alright I understand. I do." She smiled slightly.

Sam held in a breath. She wanted to do something very risky. How could Lara be this beautiful and just right in every good way? As long as she'd known Lara, Lara had never held anything against her (except once when she ate the last Jaffa cake) or stayed mad for too long. She'd always just taken in every bit of the situation and would at least try to understand Sam and the way she felt into consideration before acting. Sometimes she was just this person who Sam couldn't believe was the way she was in a good way.

Lara caught Sam staring at her and was worried for a moment. She thought maybe Sam hadn't believed her and was upset about it quite a bit. The truth was Sam was trying to convince herself not to lay a hand on her cheek, to not turn Lara's head to her, and to not kiss her as deeply as she's wanted to for awhile. It had always been hard not to but right now that was ALL Sam wanted to do. Sam felt she couldn't trust herself though and convinced herself it was just the whiskey even though she knew the truth was she'd always wanted to. It was just so damn hard.

"Come on," Lara finally spoke giving Sam a quick kiss on the forehead and standing up, "let's get you to bed." Sam sighed in disappointment but was thankful Lara had done what she had.

"I don't want t-" Lara shook her head and picked her up. "Lara!" Sam held onto her for dear life. "What are you doing?"

"I've caried you more than once." She admitted.

"But aren't you exhausted? Or you know going to let me walk?" Lara stopped and looked at her.

"Our bedroom is literally five feet away at this point and you're tipsy. Tipsy means clumsiness." Sam gave up. Lara was right and she wasn't going to take no for an answer.

Our bedroom? Sam thought. The butterflies in her stomach stirred for a moment. She hadn't minded being picked up by Lara it was just being picked up so suddenly that bothered her. She could distinctly remember the last time she was tipsy Lara had to pick up pieces of a broken cup as Sam stumbled her way to her bed singing various songs from Moulin Rogue and maybe trying to kiss Lara who in return blushed and convinced her to just go to sleep. Or perhaps she was actually drunk then. Fuzzy memory that one. She smiled slightly at the thought.

When she had found herself in her bed and out of Lara's arms she felt beyond tired but still sat up on her elbows to watch Lara shed off her boots and scarf. She could remember Lara carrying her down that mountain forever it seemed like on Yamatai. She wasn't sure if it was actually over or if she was still alive for the first few moments but she didn't care. Lara was focused on her and asking her if she was okay and all Sam could think was "she saved me, I never gave up hope on her" she'd even said it a few times.

"What?" Lara asked noticing Sam was watching her. Sam rolled over on her side towards Lara.

"You're beautiful." She admitted. She didn't care. Lara was taken back but thanked her as she entered the bed and threw the blankets around Sam and herself. "How do you do that? Declothe yourself in almost pitch darkness. I can barely walk in sunlight." Lara chuckled at that and Sam smiled.

"Practice I suppose. Camping never hurt it either." Sam snorted and Lara smiled.

Sam found hersefl tucked into Lara asking her various questions about movies obviously stalling and Lara could only throw an arm over her, answer them, and tell her to go to sleep.

"I don't want to." She yawned.

"I'm right here." With in a few seconds Sam found comfort in it and started to pass out. Lara pulled her close and sighed  
closing her eyes resting her mouth on Sam's head. "I'm always here love. Never leaving."


	7. I can hurt

**_AN: _**I DEEPLY apologize it's taken so long to update this. I haven't felt inspiration until today. _  
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_Shoes hit the dirt below her feet as the wind ran across her skin during the night run. It hadn't meant to be like this she swore, it wasn't. She could feel her muscle start to give into ache's and hurt as she booked it sprinting as fast as she could. The area was calm and quiet not that she ever gave a second to look around, but she had come to know the area well, too well perhaps but she could tell where it was dangerous to stand near a broken building ready to topple over at the slightest human touch, she could tell that the path she ran on was one intended to get her killed._

_She didn't care. She couldn't care at that moment. She couldn't care at how dark the sky was, at how the wolves howled sending chills down her spine to her core, how the moon menaced in the sky, how the clouds were all but gone that night, how she could feel the blood trickle down her arm. The moon she glanced at for a second tried to tell her something she didn't care to listen to, by day's start she'd be dead. She stumbled forward falling to the ground with a grunt and wincing at the pain in her arm. Stop Lara you're only going to hurt yourself more, she could hear that voice she longed to hear again scolding her in that sweet way it would._

_She sighed nearly wanting to give in, but a flash of movement off to the side down the path made her push herself up regardless of the blood and book it to the building. She could hear the hollers and screams of the man she threw ashes at threatening to gut her like the pig she was and feed her innards to Matthias as a trophy. Her heart threatened to jump out of her chest as she made it into the building and found a relatively good hiding spot._

_Calm down deep breaths! She told herself as she hid behind a corner. The pain in her shoulder became too apparent and she couldn't help but grab the spot applying pressure to stop it. The man after her had came at her with a knife cutting her off from her bow and injuring her in the process, she didn't know why but she ran. She could have taken him..why didn't she?_

_Lara held her breath as she heard the man's footsteps close by. Taking what moment she had, she grabbed her climbing axe that hung from her belt and held it in her injured arm. If he dared come down the hallway she'd have no other choice but to kill him on spot. As soon as she thought of it she instantly felt sick, killing. She didn't want to god she really didn't want to, but she'd have no choice if HE came after her. She'd have thought that from the ashes that hit his face he'd have backed off but he didn't. Jesus christ.._

_"I know you're here girl!" He growled etching closer as he rounded the corner looking around. Lara's grip tightened and she withdrew more so he wouldn't spot her. "Come to the fuck out so we can get this over with!" His voiced boomed with anger and Lara closed her eyes saying a small 'let me stay alive' before opening them and standing ready for her next move._

_His words were drowned out and blurred as Lara focused on her task of surviving. When he started appear around the corner it was as if time had slowed and she gave into the urge her body had begged to do, take out the threat. She wound her arm back despite it's injury ready to give him a deadly wound and she waited. His hands appeared first with a gun in hand and she thought to herself what those hands had done. They had killed and murdered (maybe even raped) so many people she was sure he'd never be normal again. He had helped murder her crew. Next was his arms and a foot. He had walked the ground for years falling victim to the island before become the predator he was and believed the lies he was told. He was going to kill her. With no other thought on her mind, she slammed her climbing axe into him as had as possible hooking his side making him fall back in pain screaming as he shoved her away dropping the gun. Lara rushed forward grabbing the axe and pulling it out with difficulties before hook it into his neck and watching as he died._

_She sighed relief and anguish as she stepped back. She killed him..she had killed many of them before, so many that it shouldn't bother her. This did. Why did it though? And why did she feel relief? She didn't know. She knew she was a killer, but the relief struck her hard as she looked down to her hands to find them covered in blood. She stared in shock before panicking. No matter how hard she tried to wipe it off she couldn't. The blood spread up her arms threatening to cover her in it. She cried out more. It told her things as it did so._

_It told her she was a stone cold killer, no one was safe, no one cared. She was alone and had blood on her hands that would never come off. She'd never find them again, her friends, she'd be too busy strangling them to find them through her murderous ways. She was alone forever and never allowed to find anyone who would care. Her curse was death and loneliness. The blood stopped when it covered her forearms._

_"No!" She yelled. She opened her mouth to say something else, but the immense pain that came from her once cauterized wound from the rebar stopped her and made her look down. The pain was like a disease coming over her far too fast telling her death was hers soon, she couldn't speak though. The object that had found itself protruding through her flesh? The same damned rebar that gave the wound the first time. She grasped it only causing more pain and blood unrealistically flow out of it. The head of the person that had stabbed her with it dropped down onto her shoulder like they'd done it so many times before._

_Lara glanced at the face to find it as Himiko. Of course Himiko would do such a thing...Lara had killed her. Lara had sent to whatever afterlife she deserved. Then she began to speak and Himiko turned into all those she had killed and harmed and been unable to save._

_"You could have let us live." Far too many voices spoke at once with no emotion. "You didn't have to kill us all, we didn't deserve it did we?" She couldn't speak. She couldn't move. Just hold the damned rebar that Himiko held in place from the end she had her hand on, and stare at whoever she quickly turned into next. "None of us did. You killed us because it felt good, you killed us for surviving, for getting in your way when you could have just told us no and walked away."_

_Lara stared at the faces all of those people..some didn't deserve it did that? She might have tried to reassure herself it was for the others but the thoughts never formed as she looked back down at the blood that continued to flow. Maybe she was right, maybe Lara hadn't needed to kill all of those people. MAYBE just MAYBE she could have taken a step back to find a new solution when- Hands let go of the rebar making Lara yelp in pain, and hand wrapped around her torso in an all too familiar way. No, Lara thought._

_"Oh god Lara," The voice was now of one but one she wished she hadn't heard. When Lara refused to look at her a friendly kiss was placed to her shoulder and the grip on her became slightly tighter. "Lara look at me." She demanded. Lara wouldn't budge. "Sweetie." Lara couldn't take anymore and looked to find Sam's face, her oh so sweet face. Blood trickled from the corner of her mouth and her skin paled. "Why'd you have to kill me? You hurt me bad you know...couldn't save me. No_t really," The arms around her waist now held her excruciatingly tight and she could feel it hurt far worse than the rebar. "Did you? You could never save me no matter how much you tried." When she let go? Lara fell to the ground as her breathing ceased and without a fuss.

Lara jolted awake sitting up panting hard and a mess. It had just been a dream..she told herself. It was true it was a nightmare. She couldn't stop them when they decided to hit her like the wreck she felt at time. There was no way to stop them and Sam...oh god Sam. Had she-

"Sweetie?" Sam asked from her computer chair with a look that made Lara's heart swell instantly at the worry she held. "Are you alright?"

Lara looked around, that was right she was in Sam's room. She and Sam had come home from a movie night out at the theatre's and she still avoided her room when it was just her like an omen. She worked it out that her room was too much of who she used to be to resume living in it like she used to, she had tried but eventually she sat up and felt uncomfortable about it. Sam came to get her complaining that her room felt so empty without her and while it may have been true Lara knew Sam had realized it after she turned her lights on and decided if either would get a nights rest it would be in her room. Lara let herself be guided by Sam and found herself beneath the sheets with Sam tucked into her telling her a story to sooth her. It worked and she fell asleep, she didn't even remember Sam getting up or kissing her before she did to dally on her computer.

Lara had herself propped up on her arms with her head back and eyes closed taking deep breaths to calm herself. She felt a weight being placed on the bed next to her as she heard the computer shut off and knew Sam had decided it was time to just pay attention to her and relax her back down. She was grateful about it.

"Yeah," She managed as she sat up completely and ran a hand through her hair. "I'm alright." A hand rested on her shoulder and rubbed comforting circles on the area waiting for her to explain and giving her a look that said go ahead I'm here. I'll listen. "I-" The words were caught in her through by a lump and she thought to ask Sam not to touch her but couldn't. She just couldn't.

"Come here sweetie," She urged Lara as she sat further on the bad and crossed her legs. Lara gave in instantly and slowly laid her head down in her friends lap letting her brush hair out of her eyes and humming something.

Perhaps Lara should have felt embarrassed about the way it soothed her the way Sam was running a hand through her hair and humming a song she didn't dare ask about it, but it helped. She was so goddamn tired and it helped her so much to just have Sam there. Letting her know on nights like these she was fine and safe and alive. Lara was so grateful for Sam. Sam was her everything at the moment, she'd read Lara's books when Lara couldn't bring herself to pick them up out of guilt of who they previously belonged too, and she was there to be her only support when she needed it most never leaving. Lara did just the same for Sam but in her own way.

"Do you remember that time when we were goofing off and I hit you?" You were goofing off, Lara thought to herself but only nodded. "And I made your nose bleed, remember that?" Lara nodded again. "I remember being so sorry for it and apologizing as much as I could you had to physically grab me and tell me 'Sam bloody hell it's alright, if you're that sorry just buy me Jaffa Cakes and more tea because we're out' even though you don't drink tea as much as I do. Do you remember what I said?"

"That was so English If I've ever heard it." Lara commented still feeling herself being pulled into slumber but laughed when Sam did.

Sam smiled to herself for accomplishing to get a laugh out of Lara. "You laughed so hard at that for some reason I couldn't be mad anymore that you weren't mad at me." Lara sighed with a smiled. "I'll never be mad at you sweetie, I'll be here when you need me in anyway you need me."

Lara couldn't reply. Instead she wrapped an arm around Sam's knee and kissed her bare thigh not caring about the consequences she might have to take on later, and closed her eyes finally giving into the temptation of Sleep. She would however find herself to be woken up shortly to be laid back down properly with her head against Sam's chest but pass out again within seconds of a kiss being placed against her forehead.


	8. Crashing down

_**AN: **Quick note: If you like this or would like more let me know here or send me an ask (anon or not is up to you) VIA Tumblr at __ ask_

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There was something peculiar and familiar about this. A glass on the small table that was primarily used for keys, phones, and random bits that were hidden in their pockets after coming home. A bottle of alcohol stood beside the glass and she stared at it for a good second as if she was inspecting it for an answer to the question she was thinking. That question might have been dangerous if she had been at a club and not their small apartment that didn't even fell safe anymore, she carefully brought a hand up to the bottle and rubbed the engraved name on the glass bottle before making up her mind.

"To drink or not to drink? That is the question," She lifted the bottled up in front of the small mirror that was placed above the small table and she sighed. "To drink! Yet again!" She declared to herself.

This had been her- well she didn't remember how many glasses this would make, but she was certain she getting drunk by the end of it one way or another. Her sense were dulled and mind not like it would be if she'd had none to start with, then again what would none help her do? She had opted for the choice of a drink or...several over brooding again on the couch until Lara needed her. If she was tipsy per say then she could take the questions that Lara would shoot at her or the mini interrogation of what was wrong when in reality she just didn't want to speak about it.

The fact was, ever since a certain incident causing Lara to nearly assassinate (over exaggeration perhaps) an interviewer and the others avoiding them at all costs, with the media hungry for a story down her throat constantly..Sam realized this couldn't be avoided and had taken it up on herself to provide the answers no one would give them. They'd never stop until they got their answers so Sam gave them answers just vague enough to keep them at a certain distance and not crawling all over their apartment, in their trash, unmentionables, and dark corners of their lives. None of the others could do it and she understood that so she stood up and did it. To protect them, she told herself. If anything she could at least do this for them.

She was sure none of them paid attention to the channels that would broadcast the interviews (she was sure of that and it was a deal she made with her father), so she didn't need to worry about them finding some of the things she'd tell them to be too much. Although she was careful about what she would say to anyone and everyone, sometimes she struggled with what to say and what to keep withheld when she just wanted to curl in bed and never come out. Still at least no one gets stabbed, she joked to herself.

This last interview, however, had been particularly draining, it had been broadcasted not too long ago and she took a glance. She wished she hadn't. The interviewer had been as skilled as her and saw how she'd try to evade certain questions or how she'd not tell the full story on certain things, the interviewer would reask the question or rephrase it until she'd answer to the point she'd ask him to ask something else because she didn't feel comfortable with it only to be asked yet again and told "The world deserves to know" and she'd fight with him. The world did not deserve to know because it was her and her friends story, it was personal. It got to the point she told him to fuck off and just left the stage. They did cut the bit out however where she walked out telling everyone to fuck off and that if he was going to run a 'respectable' show he needed to be respectable. Of course they would. Prick.

So now she stood pouring herself another glass debating whether or not it had truly been worth it taking him on in the interview. Probably not, but there was nothing she could do now. It was in the past and she just wanted to stop thinking about it. The problem though was he kept asking about their personal lives if they were mentally okay. If Reyes' daughter had an insane mother, if Jonah could be trusted within a public setting, if Lara had killed- she lost it at Lara. THAT was where he crossed the line, her jaw clenched and fist tightened before she knew it she was giving him a glare that scared the man. She shut him down effectively and walked off. He knew far too many things he shouldn't and while she should be worried about it she'd try to figure it out tomorrow.

Tonight, she just wanted a drink and some silence before Lara came home in a few days. Lara was out so she had some time to herself to become reacquainted with the couch and hopefully pass out on it later perhaps. She didn't want to avoid Lara it was just she should already hear the questions and statements clearly that Lara would ask. What's wrong? Sam, please stop. Sam, look at me. Why are you crying? What's happened? How much are you going to drink before you die? Samantha stop acting this way. She shook her head. She didn't care. Take care of all of that later. No more questions. More drink.

"Jack meet daniels." She sighed to herself and held the glass up with a sigh. "I think I'm hilarious." So with a last sigh she brought the glass to her lips and sipped before it was brought away from her lips and set back down on the table by a hand that hadn't belonged to her. She turned to in much shock find Lara standing there. Her jacket dropped and her expression turned soft and concerned, so very concerned. It reminded Sam of the interview and everything and she- her eyes began to tear up.

She hadn't heard Lara run up the stairs to their apartment, she hadn't heard Lara burst through the door only to stop and stare at Sam with extreme worry, and she hadn't heard Lara call her name. Lara was supposed to be camping with Jonah right? Well, that was true but before heading out they stopped at a favorite bar the Nine Bells. Jonah suggested it because they wouldn't be back for a few days, but the TV was on as a customer requested a news channel. Lara hadn't thought about it at the time, figured it'd be a random break-in on headline news, but it wasn't. Lara was listening to Jonah's story about spirit fish and found it intriguing until-

"Samantha Nishimura," Jonah stopped mid sentence and listened. "Daughter of-" No not their Sam right? "had what the interviewer Jimson described as a complete breakdown on set the other day. Footage just released yesterday-"

Until that. Lara swung her body around mouth wide open in shock. It was Sam.

"He seemed to be ruthless in his endeavor to get answers to his questions. Samantha could be seen storming off after telling him 'you're nothing but a complete asshole who doesn't know a fucking thing. Come near us again and you'll have a lawsuit on your hands-"

Lara turned back to Jonah who looked as shocked as she did and gaped. She motioned for him follow her outside and he did. Before he could say anything she pulled him off to the side and looked for the interview on her phone. Jonah remained silent as he watched the full thirty interview. They watched in silence. She almost regretted instantly deciding to watch it. Jimson seemed nice at the start which was obviously a ruse but as it dragged on his questions and comments became more personal and eventually attacking Sam for answers. Not to mention his comments on her old party girl life style and her 'close' friendships. To put it plainly he was a typical asshole, but he was cunning and wouldn't back down no matter how many times she'd ask him to ask something else. There was at one point a long silence when he asked how the others died on the island and who suggested the trip to the dangerous island. Lara had wanted to rip his head off at that point. Once it was over Jonah suggested he take her back to see Sam and she agreed.

"Jonah?" She asked as she realized something getting into the car. He looked at her. "Have you done any interviews? Been hassled often?" He shook his head no. "Reyes?"

"Not that I know of, if she had she'd have given Sam an earful about it like she did when they first tried. Then they just stopped I guess, why-" Lara looked regretful and he instantly knew. His stomach dropped and he sunk back in his seat.

"There are tons of them Jonah," She scrolled through several videos. "I didn't even notice that I hadn't been hassled or stalked by them. I-" her voice caught in her throat. "I didn't even think about this...she's been taking the front for us Jonah. For all of us, she's been careful about her wording too." Jonah rubbed his forhead in frustration.

"She hasn't complained or said anything to any of us." Jonah muttered looking at his younger friend. "Why didn't she-" Lara shrugged.

"Can we reschedule?" He nodded understanding her meaning. "Thank you." She gave him a small smile and squeezed his arm thankful for the understanding.

"Just take care of her okay little bird?" She nodded. He drove her back.

The car ride was completely silent and void of needing to discuss it further, the only thing she did voice was a grunt or two when Sam wouldn't text back. Something was off about that because unless Sam was at 'work' or something she'd never not reply to her ASAP. Lara had been the same, as soon as she recieved a text from Sam she's reply right away unless she was extremely busy. Sam was supposed to be home ignoring her fathers attempts to hurry her about a project that was a few weeks away, or rather binge watching TV like she had wanted to do since last week.

Now here she was face to face with Sam whose eyes were brimming with tears, her hand still on Sam's wrist waiting for her to let go of the glass. It was obvious she had had enough and Lara couldn't let her take another drink to settle down everything that she'd been keeping secret for awhile now. Sam was desperately trying to hold her tears back and Lara felt the lump in her throat threatening to release her own tears. Sam's arm begun to shake as she bit her lip looking away as if seeing Lara would bring her tears out or as if Lara seeing her cry wasn't what she'd like. Lara wrapped her arms around Sam and pulled her into a close embrace, Sam gave in and let it out crying and sobbing into her arms.

Lara could only hold her close letting Sam let go of the wall she'd built up over the past few months. Lara laid her chin on Sam's head as Sam rubbed her eyes slowly quieting down and trying to break her sobs in deep breaths and curses under her breath, she leaned into Lara embracing her friends arms wrapped around her eventually finding them to be a comforting warmth. She couldn't take it anymore. Sam had been denying herself the time she needed to comfort herself and take a break from the world for herself, her world had simply collapsed in on her Lara's arms just made it okay to realize that like always.

Sam finally managed to calm herself atleast enough to stop crying. She stood there in Lara's arms as Lara swayed back and fourth, she found comfort in laying her head on Lara's chest and the comforting circles Lara drew with her thumbs on Sam's bare arms. They stood like that for a few minutes before Sam eventually turned in her arms and wrapped her own arms around Lara resting her hand on Lara's back hiding her face in Lara's neck. Lara's arms rested around Sam in anyway they could to keep her close and soothe her. Sam inhaled and the scent of vanilla and oranges made her almost smile.

"You smell good," She said lowly. Lara nodded kissing her cheek but still swayed.

"Yes, Jonah and I listened to you. That cafe place was rather nice." Sam only nodded and sniffled.

Lara frowned, Sam was avoiding the inevitable. Not that she blamed Sam but if not tonight then tomorrow Sam would have to answer her questions. She wouldn't ask but one "what's going on with you Sam?" but even that sounded a little harsh to her. Sam had clearly been bothered and no one not even Lara had realized it. THAT was what bothered the most. Not only had Sam not told her or talked to her but Lara was sure she hadn't even noticed something was wrong. She felt guilty about it, especially with the way Sam was at this moment. Sam felt not fragile or broken but bended, and she hadn't thought about asking her about it till earlier.

"Sam-" Lara begun but Sam's head shot up and the expression on her face stopped her from finishing the sentence. Sam looked drained emotionally, eyes read, with a confused but upset look.

"Lara," She breathed. "Please no. Not tonight..I just can't." Lara nodded and gave her a small smile. Sam felt guilty. "I'm sorry..I really am but I-" Lara shook her head.

"No, it's alright love." She reassured her bringing a hand from the small in Sam's back to brush bangs behind Sam's ear. "I understand." And she did. There was a point not too long ago that Lara herself couldn't talk about what was bothering her, in fact it was only when Sam pushed her to find help that she realized she needed it. Sam had asked her about her dreams as well and Lara had only just last month started opening up about them.

Sam couldn't help but stare at her thinking of something to say when the words slipped out, "I love you." Lara had stood there shocked freezing, and Sam worried it had been...wrong to say but Lara gave her a smile kissing her forehead.

"You're drunk," She chuckled. "we can talk about it tomorrow as well alright?" Sam only nodded. Lara felt the need to believe it but.. she didn't trust the words of intoxication. "Now, off to the couch or bed?" She let go of Sam stepping back out of her arms.

Sam's heart dropped, had it been to much to say it? "Couch..?" She asked confused about the question.

"Alright," She took a moment to close the door and lock it before leading Sam to the couch and setting her down as she shed her long sleeve shirt revealing the tanktop beneath and kicking off her shoes. "Anything in particular you would like to view and criticize?" She asked as she joined Sam on the couch.

"Not interviews." She groaned leaning into Lara. Lara chuckled and of course and picked something.

Truth be told Sam hadn't paid any attention to what played at all, she was stuck in a limbo of sorts of thoughts racing through her head. Soon enough the world drowned out in black as she fell asleep silently. Sam was sure that the man Jimson had known too much and while she knew usually friends or family had sold out to people so-to-speak or accidentally let on more than they meant to she hadn't thought anyone she knew would do it. He knew too much she and the others had told very very few people. Lara wouldn't have told him about the therapy she sought out, or the times she'd leave her fathers work place yelling at him in japanese. Jonah hadn't been there, and Reyes never would not matter how much they'd bicker.

Then there was how she was going to word to Lara "I'm not okay, I wake up earlier than you so you don't have to see how much of a mess I am, I have nightmares constantly, I'm paranoid, my father is an ass, and I just find breathing hard" in a more desriptive manner and non-exhausting way. The thought of having to tell anyone this or the why specifically had run her down and she hated to think that's what it came to. Being tired at the thought of telling your bestfriend why you're not okay wasn't what she had planned today.

Soon enough Sam would be awakened by Lara to eat something and then head back to bed with her if she wanted announcing it was about 2:00 AM. She did eat, simple PBJ sandwich and grabbed a drink watching Lara as she sat at the table and ate a bowl of- whatever the hell it was. Some kind of rice as far she knew, but as Lara rose her eyebrow at Sam, Sam turned on her heels and headed for their room.

"I'm going to work." She said humourlessly immitating a business like demeanor and Lara snorted following her shaking her head. "Come along assitant." She joked.

"Yes ma'am." Lara retorted in a lously american accent. Sam sat at her chair on her desk and Lara sat at the edge of the bed crossing her legs and watching her. "You're really working?" Sam nodded.

"Yeah, if I don't then all of the shit dad argued to me about will come back to bite me in the ass." She stuffed her mouth full of her food as she opened her laptop and sighed in somewhat relief she hadn't shut it down. She had worked painfully for hours to recover what she could from a fried camera her father had been after her about. He hadn't meant any harm in it but she had promised to get it done and it still hadn't been done. She just wanted to get this over with so she could get him off her back.

"Sam?" Lara said clearing her throat as she watched Sam do- whatever it was she was doing. "What did you two argue about?" Sam froze but turned to her and seemed to nod to herself like she was agreeing to do something.

"This-" She pointed to the screen, "-is remains from a camera that- you remember that fire last week? The one that happened in the building?" Lara nodded, she had heard about it. "This is from one of those camera's that somehow managed to be salvagable. Dad called me down, I thought he wanted to have lunch you know? But he bothered me until I agreed to salvage the footage I could find and bring it to him. Earlier he called me back down to hassle me about it. We argued and I left. I'm just going over this to group project files and shit for him." She turned back to the screen.

"So, because you were taking your time on this he started a heated argument?" Sam sighed and nodded.

He had done that yet again? Before it had been an argument about denial, Lara had wanted to argue with him and she had even started but he begun to speak in Japanese and she had been rather rusty so she hung up on him after telling him to eaither support his daughter or pull the stick out of his ass. It always bothered Sam to no end when she and her father fought because truth be told she never wanted to fight with him but sometimes he liked the fight it seemed. It upset Sam more than anything, and most of the time it was when one or the other just refused to listen to each other. Yet, he knew how crucial it was she take her time on anything and everything. Her jaw clenched.

"Hand me the phone please," Sam blinked at her. "Hand me the phone. I am going to-"

"No, no, no." Sam told her scooting the phone further on her desk and facing Lara completely. "No Lara. Please don't. I've already had enough shit from him, I'd rather not get a call sometime this week from him yelling at me about my girlfriend grilling him." Sam sighed.

"Girlfriend?"

"Yeah he is still on the assumption we're together." Lara didn't say anything. "Lara, just- tomorrow okay? I can tell by the look on your face something's bothering you as well. We can just- have a confession day tomorrow all you want. I just want to save this and go to bed okay? My head is killing me here." Lara only nodded and continued finishing her meal.

The rest of the night would go in silence. Sam spending an extra hour on the project she was working on until Lara came back from the kitchen, switched to sweats, and convinced her to say then crawl in bed. A promise of it being there tomorrow and a warm welcoming bed beckoned her from the desk to her spot. In truth the thought of sleep enticed her more than anything as long as it was sleepless. Lara couldn't promise than but she did promise to be there during the night no matter what. Sam only nodded after changing into some shorts and a shirt of a bone and the words "You're my fossil, I'd dig for you" that made Lara snort but pull her into the bed underneath comfortable covers. Sam muttered something before she fell asleep against Lara and Lara could only nod and relax herself with the weight and warmth of Sam against her.

"Tomorrow." She sighed and soon fell asleep.


	9. No Apologies

**_CHECK END OF CHAPTER FOR AUTHOR NOTES_**

* * *

Lara could feel her body instantly stiffen at the words being told to her. _No,_ That wasn't right. THAT was not how it was supposed to be was it? Her head hurt at the thought of it before her body could completely react to it. She wasn't sure how to take it completely.

_Sam was at her father's office having a go at one of his employee's. _From what Sam's father had told her over the phone it sounded like it was about what they talked about or lack there of a week ago. She was supposed to be rescheduling with Jonah and getting ready for their "adventure" as he so aptly put it. Sam was making a ruckus and Lara had been urged to get there ASAP and calm her down because he hated the idea of calling security on his daughter. That thought made her jaw clench.

He had been ignoring her only to talk to her about interviews or work then go back to ignoring her. Sam had been taking Lara's advice about trying to calmly talk to him about it, but he wasn't listening to her. Sam looked guilty and had hinted several times that words they spoke to each other weren't very pleasant. She didn't further it from there. She knew it was something Sam would have to come to her with on her own time.

Today hadn't been a good day either, her session had exhausted her. She couldn't shake thoughts of blood on her hands away. It got bad enough to the point she had to hide her hands in her jeans pocket afraid she'd rub them on the fabric so much she'd have permanent burns. They had gotten red and hurt a lot by that point.

So the thought of Sam being in a public place having a fight with one of the employee's didn't do her mood any good. She didn't care about her mood at that point or the fact her hood over her face as she stared ahead with her phone to her ear at a random place made her look somewhat insane. People gave her looks as if they were scared and she felt like they should. She wasn't a normal human being anymore.

She ripped her hood off as if it'd give her more clarity to hear the man on the other side. Her jaw tightened at the words of "she had better not cause a lawsuit". It was a legitimate worry but for another time. His daughter wouldn't just fight anyone for no reason and they both knew that. She'd have to be pushed very close to the edge for that to happen. They both knew Sam may not be as level headed as Lara was in some situations, but there had to be another reason for it completely.

_"Excuse me."_ She hissed through gritted teeth. The man stopped abruptly and went silent at how angry she sounded. "Your bloody daughter is having a 'fit', and instead of worrying about what's gotten her to that point you're fucking _worried _about a lawsuit?" Her tone tells the man she's not having it or the bullshit that she see's at this minute.

"Wha- how dare-" He sounds as irritated as she feels. Lara keeps him on the phone as she jogs back to the truck (Sam had acquired.) and feels her nerves to tick at him. "Do you know how much it could cost?" He asks.

"Seriously?" She snaps. "You're not even the littlest bit worried about your daughter, your flesh, and blood? You're worried about money?" And she waits a moment for him to reply. When he doesn't she continues as she starts the truck up. "You're her father. Despite what she's said we both know you you've said or suggested worst to her before. You're supposed to protect her. Nurture her. NOT ignore her and belittle her."

"You haven't protected her." He tells her quietly and she can feel her mind go blank. "She's like...like this because of-"

"Goodbye." She tells him ending the call not even bothering to let him finish his sentence lest she wanted to hurt him.

Her hands grip the stirring wheel unbelievably hard as she drives as fast as possible without getting caught. She's angrier than she has been since they've come back. She was pissed when reporters hassled them or interviewers dug too dip. Now she's just _angry_ at the fact Sam's on father can't even bother to talk to her because he's being too damn petty to be an actual father.

Out of all the years they've been friends and known each other Lara has understood that Sam doesn't have the best relationship with her father, but now she get why Sam doesn't like calling him up or asking him for something even if it's necessary. She gets why Sam doesn't like telling her father things before her mother. Her mother can talk to him and sometimes make him seem reason, but he can't be too bothered to try. Before he was a media mogul he was different apparently. But this is the father Sam's always known and Lara gets why she doesn't like it now.

Lara's often thought what her father would be like if he were alive. Would he be like Mr. Nishimura? Would time have changed him that much? Sam once told her no because her father was famous before she was born, he didn't let that change him, why would now change him? Sam has a point. It doesn't change how Sam feels about her own father.

Lara can remember quite a few times over the past few months he's said something to Sam and it's affected her so badly it took Lara a week to get her to open up again. She's never heard it and she guesses that he does that on purpose so she won't get mad and have a chat with him about it like she's done before, but she knows the things he tends to say even unintentionally can hurt Sam even more now.

The first time Lara and Sam were back and in the hospital he came in and gave them both a look that twisted her stomach so much she wished she had the strength to get up from her bed and strangle him right then and there. The bad thing is she doesn't even think he knew he did it. Maybe some of the things he does are unintentional, but right now this situation? He's acting the way he is because he's upset. Lara doesn't think it's Sam he's upset at, but she doesn't bother to figure it out. He's not worth it at the moment.

No one's given a second to try and understand their situation have they? Now that she tries to think about it, it's been a _story! Story! story! Recovering much later! _It's not fair. The world can either see survivors and give them some space or they can grab at them for quick bucks to feed themselves with luxury as Lara thinks. They've been trying to recover, but the only safe places are at sessions or home. Even the thing Sam loved to do is now a reminder that people are hungry for things they couldn't understand. They couldn't handle it.

She looks at her hand quickly and see's scars from a broken mirror she hit. It was a couple of months ago, and she still can't bother to look into the mirror at all. Sam hadn't even ordered or got a new one yet. She was thankful for that because she feels foreign to the world. The scars remind her of the night Sam had taken her gently without a fuss or sound and cleaned her up. Sam had made sure she was alright like always. Even in little ways. Sam's taking care of her, and she loves her so damned much more because of it. She just hopes she's doing the same for her.

She loved Sam. Sam was the body next to her when she forced herself to wake up from nightmares. Sam was the person who would take her gently in her arms and lay her down giving her comfort with just a few words. Sam was the smile she'd see every morning and night before going to bed and walking out the door even when she was fighting her own demons with all her strength. Sam's hands were the ones that played with her hair and talked about nothing to distract Lara from her thoughts. Lara was the one being bandaged by Sam everytime she turned around. Sam was the one who would gently kiss the bandages and let her feel loved without saying words. Had she even told Sam she loved her? No, she was too scared to verbalize the depth of it.

And what had she done for Sam? Given her more baggage to deal with ontop what she had already been dealing with? She'd done what? Stopped her from drinking herself to sleep and woken her up when her nightmares were just terrifying for both of them? To Lara it wasn't much. Sam was in a much worse state than she was. Lara knew both were still recovering as much as possible, how could she tell Sam she loved her without messing it up and causing more problems? She felt useless. She hadn't done nearly as much for Sam as Sam has done for her and she could tell Sam was worse off than she was. It broke her to see.

She pushed the thoughts aside as soon as she found herself in the parking lot of the building and bolted out of the truck turning it off and shoving the keys in her pocket. She let her legs do double time and push past people that crowded the hallways. She could feel her body react like it did on Yamatai. The people were tree's, a bow strung on her back, and Sam had been taken. Sam was, up. She had to go up. So she did, climbing anything she could touch to get to her.

Sam had been taken and it was all her fault. Sam's blood had been discovered as unique and it was all her fault. She'd have to live with that for the rest of her life. It was her fa-

"You need to get out!" The strength of the voice snapped her attention ahead. She snapped out of her hallucination when she reached for the bow and it proved not to be there.

Sam was in the office of one of the more familiar faces of the building. Sam's hands were on her desk as she gritted her teeth leaning forward far too much into the woman comfort zone. Sam looked so upset, her expression was so angry, eyes red, and posture was threatening even for Lara.

Lara stepped forward and took in the scene for a second thinking about what she wanted to do, but Sam leaned forward grabbing her collar pulling her close with a scowl. Lara made up her mind.

"You were the goddamned leak!" Sam shouted loud enough for anyone who had been ignoring before to stop and stare at the scene as the womans eyes pleaded for them to save her. "YOU gave someone information he didn't need to know! WHY?" That was shocking to hear. "I DESERVE to know why a friend whom I trusted did this!" She got no answer. Sam started to pull her closer before hands wrapped around her and yanked her away. She yelped but pushed against them and tried to surge forward for the woman. "YOU ARE-"

"SAM!" Lara shouted over her. At the sound of her name Sam seemed to stop and freeze before trying to fight forward again. "Sam! Calm down!" She tried.

"Lara- she gave out private information! Not only did that asshole know I was seeing a therapist he also somehow knew that you-" Lara was having a hardtime keeping her back. Sam wasn't a violent person, and anytime she had gotten in someone's face it was never like this. Something was very wrong and Lara could barely concentrate on what she was saying.

"No! I'd-" The woman was behind her desk too afraid to move from behind it.

"Sam!" Lara tried again holding her closer this time. "No matter what she's done this isn't you! You don't do this! You've nearly assualted her Sam!" Sam relaxed in her arms a bit. She still struggled but not nearly as much as she did before.

"Sam-" The woman tried. Sam glared at her stopping her.

Sam seemed to relax into Lara's arms and Lara pulled her closer just to be sure. She could immediately that Sam was emotionally exhausted and not up for anything at that point. It caused Lara to relax as breathe a sigh of relief.

"She- Lara-" Lara held her tight and shook her head.

"It's alright Sam. I've got you, love." She could hear Sam sniffle and groan as she relaxed completely falling into Lara who held her up and whispered nothings into her ear. She was sick and tired of the world as Lara had just become.

Suddenly Lara found herself noticing all the eyes on them and felt uncomfrotable. She didn't like that that many people were watching them and just staring. Her mind overwork thinking up possible thoughts going through their heads and none of them she liked AT ALL. It made her hold Sam a little tighter for her own sanity to remind her what was happening at the moment.

"Lara..." Sam spoke up finally catching herself and standing up still in Lara's arms and never moving to free herself. "I worked so hard Lara." She admitted. "So hard to not just protect me but to protect you and Reyes and Jonah-" Her voice broke. "I worked so hard making sure no one knew more than what they needed to because if they knew everything they'd have harrassed us all and recovery would have been that much harder. I worked so hard to make sure everyone would be okay." Lara felt her jaw clench at the woman and the woman she could tell by her expression looked so damned guilty it was hard to watch. Lara didn't care. "I tried so fucking hard to protect you." Sam admitted.

Lara gently walked around Sam and stood in front of her waiting for her to look up. When she didn't Lara took her chin in her fingers and tilted it up to look into red stained teary eyes that told you their story wasn't one you'd ever want to know. Lara looked into both and shook her head placing a hand on Sam's shoulder.

"Sam," She spoke softly this time. "It shouldn't be your job to protect me or the others. Sometimes you have to protect yourself first." It hurt to see her like this, it hurt more knowing that she was part of the reason she felt so torn up and berating herself. She felt like she had unintentionally hurt her.

"Lar-" Lara gave her a look that cut her off. It was so soft that her voice got caught in her throat.

"No Sam." She told her sternly. "I did what I could to protect you then. You protected yourself mostly, you're not a damsel in distress, never were." She admitted trying to smile a little bit for Sam. "You do not ever have to protect me like this. Okay?" Sam only shrugged and tried to look away. Lara cupped her cheeks and turned her to face her again. "You're protecting me more than you realize, everyday. I can't repay you for that. I jus- just, want you alive. You're breathing. That is protecting me right now." _Sanity. Something I wouldn't have without you._

"I didn't mean for it to be like this." The woman spoke up causing Sam to look at her. Lara didn't turn around. She didn't trust herself enough to. She could tell by her tone the woman was sorry so very sorry but she was also guilty. "I didn't- I just thought you know it wouldn't be a bad thing." Sam's eyes teared up at her and shook her head. "You used to say sometimes people knowing things weren't incredibly bad if-"

"IF it was supposed to be something the public knew." Sam stepped forward but on found herself pressed against Lara who was ready to pull her away again. "You think they deserve to know any of the shit he pulled out right in front of me?"

"I only-"

"Gave him various E-Mails. Yea I know. Only ones I sent my father." Sam shook her head and looked at the woman again. "Did you ever think for a moment they could have held private information? Did you even comb through them to make sure?" No answer. "Of course not."

"Sam." Lara grabbed her wrist causing Sam to look at her. "Later." Sam's eyes softened at her and she was tired again but nodded at Lara. After a few seconds she laid her head on Lara's shoulder and let Lara's arms fold around her for a moment. "Do not say a thing." She warned the woman who only stayed silent. Lara didn't bother giving her anymore recognition.

"Can we just go home?" Sam spoke up lifting her head up. Lara nodded and Sam sighed, "good."

Sam was the first to move with Lara directly behind her. Almost ironically as they hit the door Sam's father appeared and tried to stop her but stepped aside once he saw Lara. Sam muttered "no apologies" no him and moved past quickly ignoring everyone in her path. If they didn't move for Sam they moved because of the irritated expression Lara would give them. Sam didn't question it as they found the truck. They sat there in silence.

No apologies was something Sam and her father had started. Lara had quickly realized that it meant "whatever it's not fine and you fucked up but it's whatever now" and she ignored the man walking out. Sam only said it when she was too upset to listen. She was infact too hurt to listen to anything her father had to say. He looked like he had wanted to apologize but Lara couldn't blame Sam for not wanting to listen to him.

The silence itself was deafening and she could tell it was driving Sam mad herself. She felt bad about that, she just didn't know what to say. Sam fidgeted with her phone though not really paying attention to it as she wrote. Sam looked over and saw it was something to her father but before she could ask Sam erased the message and shook her head before laying it back against the seat.

"You know why I got this truck?" Sam asked but didn't give Lara a chance to ask. "Our landlord said the flat is getting renovation whenever you're gone so I found a slightly bigger place and-"

"Sam." Lara interrupted. Sam closed her eyes and sighed rubbing them.

"Lara please just don't." Lara nodded and asked her to continue then. "It's bigger, you can actually have pets, is a three bedroom place you know? It's cheaper too so I'm sure there are ghosts haunting it, thought we needed-"

"A fresh start." Sam looked at her but nodded. Lara squeezed her hand and gave her a small smile.

"The truck is to move furniture, I was going to tell you later. If you wanted the place then." Lara nodded at her but didn't say anything. "Home please." Sam finally told her and Lara responded by starting it up and driving. Sam was thankful for the lack of words on the way.

What could Lara say and how could she say it? She had no idea. She was sure something more was going on with Sam but Sam wasn't willing to talk to her and Lara did not want to push her so it remained unspoken and tiring. Lara would have been hypocritical to complain about it however considering she didn't voice her own problems often, while they were opening up more there was still a lot neither said nor wanted to ever say and they never asked.

It might have been more of a problem to Lara if she wasn't thankful that Sam never pushed her to talk to about her nightmares every night. How could she tell her she had nightmares she didn't protect the others and watched them die in every horrific way possible? How could she tell her Roth blamed her sometimes? How could she ever tell her that she was scared every night she woke up that Himiko had killed Sam and made her watch? Whenever she tried the thoughts of blood splattered places and blood stained grounds would cause her to freeze unable to speak. The most troubling part was that Sam gave her a look that said 'I know what you're going through because I'm going through it too'. That scared her the most.

She wasn't really helping Sam was she? She wasn't really protecting Sam. Sam wouldn't tell her so how could she know?

She shook the thought away as they made way into the small flat and Sam seemed to ignore everything else as she headed for their room. _Her room,_ Lara corrected herself. It was still Sam's room though she hadn't been able to sleep on her own and Sam never seemed to mind. It was still Sam's room and she had no right to barge in on her when she wanted to be alone. So she took off the hoodie throwing it aside and finding herself on the couch with a sigh. If Sam needed her Sam would come and get her. Though she didn't stop worrying about her.

Since she had found out about Sam trying to protect her and the others, they hadn't spoken about it but it made Lara worry more about her. It made her feel guilty too that she hadn't see the full view of what was happening to Sam, that Sam in most cases was putting on a brave face for her ignoring her own pain at times. The worst part? She just let Sam do it. She felt like she didn't even try to look. What kind of friend was she?

Lara hadn't moved to turn the TV on. Instead she just sat on the couch thinking unable to stop. Eventually she threw her arm over her eyes unwilling to get up and turn the kitchen the light off. It was starting to irritate her eyes. She sighed at herself for being so lazy.

_Sam,_ she thought. _You've done so much for us and we never-_ she groaned at the thought. She was sure that the others wouldn't take it as personally because Sam had chosen to do this for them. It didn't mean that they wouldn't be guilty it was just that Lara was her best friend. She loved Sam- her only family left. It bothered her that Sam hadn't come to her about this, felt obligated to protect her, and that without seeing that bit on the news she'd never have realized until it was too late perhaps. _I lov- I am so sorry Sam, _she felt her stomach fill with guilt.

"Sweetie?" Lara moved her arm to find Sam standing there looking down at her. She looked a little better but still so tired. "What are you doing out here?"

Lara found herself staring at Sam trying mouth words that never made it out of her mouth. They were simple words, very simple but she couldn't say them yet. Sam looked so tired, like alot of her strength had been zapped from her body.

"Lara?" Lara blinked coming out of her own thoughts.

"I-uh yes?" She asked but realized what Sam asked. "Oh uhm you were in your room and I didn't want to-" Sam put a hand on her hip and sighed.

"Alright," she started. "Are you tired?" Lara nodded. "Then get up and come to bed." Lara nodded again and stood up.

She stopped for a second and just realized that this had become a norm for them. Sam would find Lara asleep some place or trying not to fall asleep and have Lara actually go to bed. Sam might have joked before that the reason it felt so normal was because they might as well have been a married a couple. That made Lara's cheeks flush.

As soon as Lara was clear of the couch Sam took her hand and led her to her room. She squeezed Sam's hand slightly with a small smile and shook her head of most thoughts.

"Besides it's our room." Sam muttered thinking Lara couldn't help her but Lara very much did. She didn't react to it however.

"Sam?" She asked once Sam shut the door and she was sitting on the end of the bed. Sam looked at her. _Just say it, _she told herself. "What was that message you were typing to your father?" Sam stood still for a moment and Lara regretted asking. _Not only is that not what you were going to say but you made her uncomfortable way to go Lara! _She berated herself.

"I was going to basically tell him I quit." She moved to her chair in front of her desk. "With less polite words." She admitted and turned the chair to face her desk probably hoping Lara wouldn't ask again.

Lara watched her for a moment. At first Sam was just staring at a blank project screen but found herself going to work. She went through random files from the moments they were saved and on the boat. Everyone seemed to be in better shape when they thought they had been saved completely, never thought they had problems laying beneath. Sam cut out a few things and played with some stuff mainly brightness and contrast looking up something on one of the crates it looked like but Lara didn't bother paying close attention.

Evetually Lara changed into simple shorts and a fresh shirt but continued to watch Sam as she sprawled out on the bed. After awhile Sam had switched to other projects, one she recoginzed was a show on Netflix. Lara had to smile proudly at that, Sam was so good she was helping out other shows. Or she was just doing something random. Either way her Sam was doing something.

Lara found herself wanting her eyes to close after awhile as Sam got slower on her projects. She couldn't get her eyes to close however and knew why. Sam wasn't next to her. No matter which way she turned to sprawled herself out she couldn't get comfortable enough with Sam. She groaned at herself.

"Sam." Lara called. Sam didn't answer. "Saaam." She called out tiredly.

"I don't want to talk about what happened-" Sam stopped when she saw the scrunched up look Lara was giving her. "What?"

"I was going to say there's enough room for two and not enough comfort for me to sleep." She admitted. Sam look at her for a minute thinking about the offer before turning off her computer. "Sam?" She asked as Sam got up.

"Mmhmm?"

"You didn't save did you?" She asked as Sam sat on the edge of the bed. Sam thought for a moment before cursing herself and Lara couldn't help but chuckle at her. Sam glared and hit her playfully.

"It's funny that I lost my work?" She was trying to sound playful but it might have came out as a little irritated.

"No," Lara smiled her kissing her forehead gently. "It reminded me of those time in Uni you'd stay up so late and be so tired trying to finish something you'd forget to save as you turned off your laptop." Sam muttered something but found herself underneath a light sheet and curled into Lara who gladly took her.

It remained quiet for awhile. Lara felt relaxed and comfortable enough to let her eyes close and it felt good to let them actually close after the long day they both had. Lara's mind felt at ease for a moment or two like it had finally given her rest. She felt herself smile into Sam's hair and pulled her closer. Sam was next to her. They were breathing. She loved Sam.

"Lara?" Sam asked tiredly. Lara Mm'd and Sam moved a little. "_I think something is wrong." _She admitted. When she got no response she continued. _"I think when I got angry Himiko-"_

"She can't have you." Lara told her. She was sure this was part of a dream. _"She can't have you because I've got you, and I love you." _Sam huffed something relaxing and went still in her arms probably sleeping. Lara let herself fall asleep_. Tomorrow they'd deal with everything._

_Because I've got you, and I love you._

* * *

A/N: I apologize this took so long! It's a bit longer than the others but I hope you like it. ALSO NOTE: Next chapter will explain a few things I didn't in this one and as you see it will be the last chapter besides the epilogue. If you'd like to see a sequel (In which Lara is missing and Sam take it on herself to find her) let me know. The next chapter might hold a special confession if it's wanted to be seen.

ALSO I've made a page dedicated to Crawling (just a silly one) that has extra bits and such so check it out if you like this!

Crawling

Comes with a playlist of music that has inspired each chapter and such.  
If you like this PLEASE let me know on my tumblr here:

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